The whole 30 plan


Last month Ol’ Dutch got talked into doing an eating plan with Trixie and Tinkerbell, my daughter-in-law. I figured I would support them and ride along on their journey.
Most diet plans are for losing weight but this is supposed to “reset your body clock.” And since mine has been out of sync since the invention of daylight saving time, I needed a change.
So the big day came and suddenly new rules were imposed on the household. The first was “no sugar.”
Ol’ Dutch, by inheritance, just cannot live without the sacred sweet nectar of the gods and so this was going to be a trial of immense proportions. Instead of tiny candy bars secreted away for emergencies, my reality was much different. Coffee became a black morass of tasteless goo, Oreo cookies stock plummeted on the market and sugar soon was replaced by grumpiness.
Ol’ Dutch is lucky in that Miss Trixie can whip up a nine course meal out of nothing and meals became a colorful affair filled with all sorts of culinary delights. So although I wasn’t starving, it sure felt like it on these long winter evenings with no snacks.
What I soon found out is that the television shows that air in the evenings are really poor in quality without the requisite popcorn and sweet tea. A carrot stick just did not bring the same level of comfort of a Hershey fun bar and a tall glass of milk.
Yes, you heard that right, milk. No milk on this diet and Ol’ Dutch has been forced to drink almond milk which I have no idea how they get that out of a nut. Googling it I expected to see factory farming videos of people lining up nuts to milk but ‘twas not the case. And Miss Trixie says the only nut in this equation is Ol’ Dutch.
I got pretty discouraged after two weeks because I had not dropped any of this tonnage and wanted to go back to my carb eating ways, but I hung on for Tinkerbell and Trixie. Then, suddenly, I lost 10 pounds of ugly fat.
Celebration was in order but Miss Trixie, the world’s best spoiler of a good time, would not give me cake and ice cream.
The 30 days comes to a close on Valentine’s Eve. Ol’ Dutch is already dreaming of a Valentine’s Day full of chocolate candies, chocolate-covered strawberries, pretzels, bacon and anything else they can cover in chocolate.
But, Miss Trixie, aka the spoiler, says, “no.” because we’re diving right into Keto next. The only Keto I know was that goofy guy who was O.J. Simpson’s friend so this should be interesting at the least.
Some of you may ask what brought about this sudden change in diet for Ol’ Dutch? Was it some New Year’s resolution, a doctor’s orders or some mystical epiphany?
Well, sort of. Probably more along the lines that I can’t button my pants anymore and being a true Scotchman, Ol’ Dutch refuses to spend money on new pants when he can spend it on important stuff like stock trailers, ATVs, fishing rods and guns.
So I am on a journey of no soda, no sugar and a life of no fun in the food department. This summer will bring a new challenge as we spend our time with RV’ers intent on having scrumptious buffets for every occasion from birthdays to the sun coming up.
But, Dutch is determined. God help me, I am going to be thin one last time in this life.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.

Advertisement

More In Opinion