Trout Republic: Diet and exercise futility


I guess ever since Eve got us kicked out of the Garden and off the fresh fruit diet, man has been plagued with the issue of weight gain. For it was after that when Abel started a garden of his own and suddenly carbohydrates of a new form began to be attached around their middles.


Cain, being a herdsman of some renown, put an end to Abel. And, since Cain was a Keto man himself, tried to put an end to the early food pyramid but the agrarian economy sprouted and soon people were eating grains and potatoes in vast quantities. Like today, they were cheap and abundant and caused all sorts of problems when eaten in excess.


But as oft was the case, people worked harder back in the early days and there were times of drought and famine so I don’t think they really had a lot of overweight people other than the rich and famous who could always pay for more groceries. This was before you had to bring your own bags, I believe.


Our move away from hard physical work especially here in America has probably led us down the path of being overweight and out of shape, aided by the invention of Ding Dongs. Well not just those chocolaty treats but processed food of every type and color, texture and caloric magnificence and quantities envied by the rest of the world.


Ol’ Dutch is on that constant roller coaster of gaining and losing the same pounds over and over and I can usually get myself back in line -- or at least in my pants -- with some form of Keto dieting. Fat and meat are on the menu and you just have to toughen up and do it.


But of course, that got Ol’ Dutch to thinking about the whole overweight thing around us. It appears that nowadays about 70% of us are struggling with tight belts, belt loops and saggy hind ends according to statistics. That is up from 23% in 1962 and tells me one thing: I need to invest in the Ding Dong Company.


Well it also tells me that even though we have millions of health club members, we must not actually have very many health club participants. Which means people are buying those memberships as a New Year’s Resolution and using the entry cards for bookmarks while eating yes, you guessed it, Ding Dongs.


The interesting thing about the whole “I weigh too much” phenomenon is there has never been a people like Americans who have not only the knowledge as to what causes us to swell but also we have all the diets, pills, creams, schemes, snake oil potions, herbal essences, frozen entrees, and fruits and nuts to seemingly ensure our path to skinny pants.


But it appears that we just cannot get there for some reason and so Ol’ Dutch has come up with an interesting approach to that problem. You see, it appears that no matter what we do, we are probably going to end up overweight at the least. I mean seventy percent is some kind of statistic and in light of that I think that maybe, just maybe we are wasting our money trying to lose weight after all.


Maybe some of us are just predisposed to carry around two winters supply of fat around our middles and maybe that just makes us cuddly instead of XL.


If in fact seventy percent of us are already tipping the proverbial and actual scales a tad on the heavy side, it might be best to just learn to live in the pants that fit which will allow us to toss out our blue jeans from high school in peace.


All this reminds me of the evil nature of the dreaded Ding Dongs and how they ruined my happiness.

Pre-Trixie, I actually lost a nice girlfriend to a man who worked --- wait for it -- in the Ding Dong factory. And her being in fact an anti-carb, Ketoesque kind of woman, it really rocked my world. But I do know this, the same pairing between Cain and Abel didn’t work out all that well so the marriage may not last either.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com  or on Twitter at TroutRepublic

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